Planet Crypto: Introducing Mattress Bank
The sketchers of satire at Planet Crypto have had the crayons out again. This time, they’re celebrating the launch of Mattress Bank. Remember, it’s all for a bit of fun…
The demise of crypto-friendly Silvergate Bank has left the US crypto industry desperately short of banking options. Fortunately, a new banking service has been launched to fill the need for easy access to funds. Introducing… Mattress Bank.
Mattress Bank is the best (and only) way to store your crypto firm’s assets in dollar form. Just tell us how much you’ve got and we’ll give you the perfect mattress to stuff it under, no questions asked.
Storing your money under a mattress comes with many advantages:
- Beds are scrutinised by Good Housekeeping Magazine, rather than the SEC, and they don’t care where the money came from so long as it matches the curtains.
- You work in crypto so it’s not like you sleep well at night anyway. A lumpy mattress won’t make much difference.
- None of our mattresses contain memory foam so won’t remember any shady dealings.
Hey, we’ve got Mattress Bank solutions for customers of all kinds:
- Cot mattresses for companies with a tiny balance. Perfect for 3AC or Celsius.
- Double mattresses for naughty lovers looking to co-mingle their funds (and more). As used by FTX and Alameda.
- Travel mattresses for today’s crypto magnate on the run. As recommended by Do Kwon.
- Twin mattresses for partners no longer in love. Ideal for Genesis and Gemini.
- Pocket-sprung mattresses for assets that have somehow sprung into your pocket. Perfect for the CEO awaiting fraud charges who wants to hide secret withdrawals from liquidators.
- Princess and the Pea option. We supply you with a stack of mattresses, but no matter how you arrange your funds, you never look truly comfortable. Ideal for Binance.
So put an end to sleepless nights and get your funds safely tucked away with Mattress Bank.
Small print… Mattress Bank is rated ‘Excellent’ by Pillow Sacks and ‘Dodgy AF’ by Goldman Sachs.