Fiscal Phil brings MPs sunshine, but only if they back him on Brexit
Philip Hammond is a man more comfortable poring over spreadsheets than performing stand-up. He prefers an abacus to a microphone and an audience.
But at times like these, when the staff need a morale boost, even the most bookish company finance director must come down to the shop floor to remind the workers just what it’s all about.
Fiscal Phil, as he likes to call himself, pulled out some of his top gags as he delivered the Budget on Monday. He jested that newspaper editors wanted him to hold the event on Halloween so they could write the headline “Hammo House of Horrors”; that new money to help public toilets was the only announcement that hadn’t been “leaked”; and that he had wanted to be chancellor since he was six years old.
The workers laughed politely, safe in the knowledge that they'd soon be in the pub.
Seeming to take pride in his sub-par gags, Hammond pushed on and on. And on. His speech went on a tour of the UK as he tried to name-check as many places as possible. From Loughborough to Royston, Alderley to South Tees, seemingly nowhere was left forgotten as the man in charge of the purse strings tried to spread the extra money he found down the back of the office sofa as thinly as possible.
When the workers on the green benches weren’t dozing off (David Davis was among the Tory grandees resting his eyes) there were occasional cheers for the more uplifting parts of the boss's speech.
“That pay rise I’ve been promising you? I’m bringing it forward a year. The extra money for health care? Yes, you can have that. I’ll even repair the roads, fix the toilets and do up your house!” was the message from Fiscal Phil.
There was just one caveat to his feel-good message. “You know that deal we've been working on with our competitor in Brussels? Well, if you try and stop it, you won’t get any of this. Remember that at your next union meeting.”