The book that’s got men cracked
EXTRACT
WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING?
ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU’VE EVER ASKED ABOUT MEN ANSWERED
BY ZOE STRIMPEL
FIG TREE, £8.99
WHY DOES HE BOTHER WITH GRAND GESTURES, THEN FAIL TO FOLLOW THROUGH?
EVERY girl, no matter how independent and cynical, wants to be swept off her feet. Dear God, I’m putty in the hands of a man who buys me flowers or champagne. Could there be a sadder, more clichéd confession from someone who thinks of herself as a feminist?
But even the most sensible of us have a huge capacity for grand romantic gestures, because they make us feel loved, and we all want to – and think we should – be loved. C’mon, we do.
So, this whole grand-gesture-equals-love equation is hard to shake, even though we should know better. I mean, in the old days, chivalry and shameless wooing were de rigueur even if you weren’t going to get into somebody’s pants, ever. Now we’re in a post-romantic age and it’s all about subtle or no gestures, big gloopy ones carry a major, dangerously effective wow factor. (Nothing cheesy or creepy, mind. It can be a thin line.)
It’s all very well for a guy to do the big gestures when the time is right. But what I’ve never understood is why he does them when he’s about to bugger off. I’m not talking about obvious arseholery here, or pick-up artistry for its own sake. I’m talking about similar situations to the one my friend Marissa found herself in last year – when the guy really seems to mean it, wants to mean it, has no cause not to mean it since he’s the initiator, then buggers off all the same.
THE CASE
My friend Marissa (29 and blessed with a mane of voluminous blonde hair) was at her parents’ thirtieth wedding anniversary in Edinburgh.
She was just minding her own business and having a dance with mates when suddenly Frank – an older man with gorgeous, slightly creased green eyes – appeared. She wasn’t too bothered, being used to come- ons from all manner of eligible men, but he had maturity on his side, and for a woman like Marissa who’d had it with disappointing twenty- somethings this gave him an in.
He’d spied her across the room (it’s hard to resist that hair, and Marissa always looks like she’s having the best time), and set his sights on her. She didn’t play very hard to get – she’s not into games – and went along with him to his hotel room. Hell, she’s up for as much fun as the next girl and felt like a little post-party naughty business. Nothing else.
So when she left the next morning amid his promises to call her, she was as cool as a
cucumber (well, maybe a little ruffled), and not overly bothered. She’d barely had time to get back to London when a handwritten note was pushed through the letter-box inviting her to dinner the next night. He wined and dined her and they had a lovely time, though she was still on her guard: guys like this are usually up to something.
Two days later, when a first-class return ticket to Moscow (yes, Moscow, and yes, first
class) came through her letter-box – he was going there on business the next day – she gulped and went along with it. Who wouldn’t? He met her at the airport with flowers and designer vodka and ferried her off to his hotel suite. They spent a magical few days together (how couldn’t they?), and she was just starting to come round to the idea that all these gestures were an artless function of his deep and solid passion for her.
Of course, part of her remained a little wary still, “too good to be true” pounding in her temples. When he’d left her at the airport, he’d talked like he meant to go on in this vein, finding a way in his busy international schedule to make time for her, and so on.
When she’d heard nothing the next day, she sniffed trouble. When the silence continued for three more days, she knew it was only a matter of time before she found out that Frank was indeed too good to be true. The email (!) arrived one week after she returned from Moscow. Frank said work had been crazy and that while he thought Marissa was a nice girl he couldn’t see it working through this period of intense travel and research for his next project. Marissa laughed a little, felt a bit bummed out because she’d fallen for his tricks, but was glad he hadn’t dragged it out any further.
But what had he been playing at? He could have made the same grand gestures while making it clear it was all whim, a spur-of-the-moment thing. Instead, he went on about how amazing she was and how he could see them together. The combination of dinners, a flight and chats about the long term sure made his sudden frost odd. Was he a pathological romantic? An evil manipulating player? Or had he just gone off her?
WHAT THE GUYS THINK:
PETER W, 51, MARRIED TWICE
Mr Virility
“Obviously this guy is a professional bachelor. Intensely driven to get the girl into bed. That achieved – goal scored! – he got bored with her and hankered for the next one.” Simple as that! How shallow can you be? Then again, as Victor (my ex-flatmate’s boyfriend) put it, men are built to ‘sow their seed’, whereas women who shag competitively are motivated by more complex, less biological factors. I think he’s right. That said, I won’t accept the idea that men can get away with shitty behaviour because they’re ‘built’ for it. Just to be clear.
“He hankered for the next . . . and the next,” continues Peter. ‘He’s rich, attractive, permanently single and loves to f**k new girls. Mr Virility. The more the better. But it’s the newness that is attractive (not the chase, as some would have you believe). Another conquest! Another one to add to the “feel pretty darn good about myself” list. Now it’s time to cut loose and check out the new girl over there.”
So New, new, new. Score that goal. Wham bam, I’m a man. He’s driven by bed-notches and novelty only. Could it be? Even with a man as seemingly civilized as Frank? With a guy who knows what designer vodka is? Apparently so.
VICTOR L, 28, IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP
Want her thinking about how great he is “There’s no question that a guy wants to sweep a girl off her feet as quickly as possible. This is fact. Guys just do that, they want her thinking about him and how great he is. The quicker she falls for him, the more secure the guy will feel, and he’ll be able to sit back, sigh and assess this “new girl”. Once in this comfort zone, he will think about whether he truly wants her now the chase was successful.”
FLAT-OUT INITIALLY
“Many guys do go flat-out with a girl initially, then leave it suddenly. One of my best friends seems to do this, finding out only after wooing her senseless that he is now bored. I think this is because he is insecure, he loves being loved and wants her to fall for him as quickly as pos-sible. A girl who shows initial interest but doesn’t fall for him leaves a serious bruise on a man’s ego.
“Once fallen, this man can now decide what to do, knowing his ego is fine whatever the decision.”
So Frank needs to be loved – repeatedly – but he does not need to love, and once Marissa showed signs of falling for him, he got bored.
BOTTOM LINE:
This sort of man is on a permanent, ego-aggrandizing roll, and you’ll just get rolled over unless you step out of the way. Marissa’s only hope was to keep her distance – perhaps for ever. Worth it if you like the high life and have enough inner confidence and self-esteem to play it cooler than most of us are capable of doing.
What to do if you still fancy him: Be disciplined about holding back. Do not agree to every arrangement, every dinner date, so quickly; do not go along with every woo. This might well give him enough space to figure out that he wants you, rather than giving him the instant gratification he is seeking from you. (But don’t hold your breath.) If you have a history of getting hooked and not taking coldness or playing games well, try, try, try to avoid this guy.
Copyright Zoe Strimpel 2010. Extracted from WTHIHT? All The Questions You Ever Asked About Men Answered, which is published today (Penguin £8.99).