A Marie Kondo divorce: Lessons from Netflix’s new TV star
A new year means a new selection of TV series to help us through the deep dark winter months.
This year is no exception, and Netflix’s Tidying Up with Marie Kondo resonates with what are no doubt nationwide resolutions for self, home, and life improvement.
It might be surprising to learn that many of the Japanese tidying guru’s lessons can be usefully applied to relationship breakdown and divorce.
This is all the more helpful given that most people who go through the process are likely to be far removed from the divorces which find their way into newspapers – think of Mr and Mrs Bezos, for example).
With assets over $130bn, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie will, no doubt, have an army of lawyers and financial advisers at their disposal to smooth the path for them.
But beyond the world’s richest one per cent, access to financial advisers is likely to be very limited. And for many people, their personal finances are, quite simply, a mess.
Here are some suggestions of how to apply the lessons from Netflix’s new TV star to relationship breakdown.
Preparing for D-Day
The KonMari method recommends tidying by category and in a specific order (clothes, books, documents, before tackling miscellaneous and sentimental items) – rather than, say, room by room.
A relationship breakdown or divorce is usually both emotionally draining and logistically terrifying.
Individuals face many, often conflicting, priorities which will change as the process runs its course. The fear of the unknown future almost invariably dominates the initial stages.
There is, at least from a practical perspective, a very specific way in which that initial fear can be compartmentalised.
Broadly speaking, the three compartments are the divorce, the children, and the finances.
Individual circumstances will dictate the order in which they are approached, but if they are kept distinct, they will be easier to address. That reflects the approach which the court will adopt if agreement cannot be reached through mediation or negotiation.
Filing your finances
Folding clothes is fundamental to the KonMari method, and Kondo’s recommendations are simple: fold clothes methodically and upright to make them easy to see and accessible.
Shoving clothes into the back of deep cupboards puts them into the “out of sight, out of mind category”.
It also makes tidying seem like an impossible task. In the same way, failure to maintain a functional filing or storage system for financial records such as bank statements, life policies, and employment contracts make the disclosure process in financial proceedings far more intimidating than it needs to be.
Given that access to financial information has become easier with mobile and internet banking, it’s surprising how difficult people often find the process of summarising their financial position and setting out their current and anticipated budgets.
Taking the time to get up-to-date financial information in a clear, tidy and accessible way will save time and potentially very significant legal costs.
Even the most complex financial circumstances will, at some stage during the financial negotiations, need to be distilled into a relatively simple table or asset schedule.
A budget may appear daunting, but it is simply an itemised list of current and anticipated income needs. Online banking services can assist, as they now routinely provide lists of direct debits or regular payments – and even provide pie-charts which analyse spending habits.
Setting out a list of known spending (or income requirements) is an important first step, particularly in the event that a budget is ever challenged in cross-examination during the course of a final hearing.
The process of “tidying up” the documentation and drawing up lists – in however basic a form – will not only speed up the process, but keep the costs to a minimum.
The power of perspective
Kondo recommends that people opt to keep items only based on what “sparks joy” or is useful. In other words, the tidying process will be achieved with the help of a positive and pragmatic perspective.
There are many very different reasons why relationships and marriages come to an end. Almost inevitably those reasons will be a source of conflict between the individuals involved.
Rather than allowing negative or vengeful factors to dominate the process, keep a positive objective in mind, such as concentrating on the happiness of the children. This will increase the likelihood of there being a happier future for both parties.
Ex marks the spot
Ending on what is perhaps the most contentious analogy to be drawn between the divorce process and tidying up in accordance with the KonMari method, Kondo advises her audience to express gratitude towards the possessions which they are throwing away.
While it may be difficult to feel benevolent towards a soon-to-be ex, any effort to do so may result in long-term benefits, particularly if the approach is mutual.
If that can be achieved, there is a realistic chance that the separation will take place in a neat and tidy manner.